Lately, I feel like our entire lives could be summed up in various blog posts titled ____ and the Wait. Christmas and the Wait. Cleaning Up the House and the Wait. Spending Time with Friends and Trying to Forget About the Wait Even When They Ask How the Wait is Going and, well, the Wait.
I try to keep this blog about adoption and related things -- so if religion in general or the Catholic religion in particular offends you, ignore this post. Religion is not going to be a major subtopic of this blog.
However, I do think I would be remiss if I were to lie and say that the Wait, the ever present, unrelenting Wait, doesn't effect my spiritual life. And the optimistic part of me that hopes that everything will be A-Okay and our children will come home soon and one day some other future adoptive mama who is reading this (the way I now read blogs of families in the "kids are home" phase of adoption) with an aching spirit wondering how in the world to survive the wait will come along and hopefully be encouraged. That part of me knows I need to talk about the spiritual/religious end of it all, because that future mother might struggle as well with the rotten stuff.
Or maybe this blog is mostly an echo chamber for me to rant -- and no one will be either offended or encouraged.
Either way, here goes.
Waiting is hard.
Everybody knows it.
Sometimes, there's a known timeline. Little kids know how many days 'til Christmas, 'til summer vacation, 'til the family trip to Disneyland. And there are all those little things that families do to make it easier -- Advent calendars full of chocolate, a Mickey Mouse pen to cross off days on the calendar.
Penance is hard, too. If it isn't hard, it isn't penance. That's why everyone knows, deep down, that giving up your least favorite food isn't a suitable Lenten sacrifice. However, I know I'm counting down to April 20th. I know that all the things I gave up will be waiting for me on Easter Sunday (and, in Catholic tradition, every Sunday is a "mini Easter" and penance and fasting are actually considered inappropriate).
With our adoption, we don't have an "due date." We simply don't know what the future has in store, and there's no promises of a reprieve on April 20th. The less patient part of me hopes we don't have to wait that long. :P
Also in Catholic tradition, there is the concept of offering up suffering and penance for a particular purpose -- and that's something that, despite the ranting whiney tone of this post, I find really helpful in this. Every inconvenience, every annoyance, adoption related or not, is something I try to remember to offer up for the cause of our adoption and for all the other families who wait for Kazakhstan to reopen as well. And that includes the Wait itself.
It can really be as simple as asking the Lord to take the negative thing and use it for the good of whatever situation concerns you -- a sick relative, a slow adoption process, or even for your own spiritual development.
I'm far from perfect at this -- and in my weaker moments I wonder if this, and my other numerous weaknesses are the reason for the Wait -- but I'm working on it. And Lent seems like the perfect time to work on it.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Thoughts on "What Not to Say."
Ah, the blogosphere -- everybody's got a soap box, and nobody's afraid to use it. Well, it's my turn.
And I know it's going to be controversial.
There's a "thing" in adoption blogging -- something that's even made it to internet news outlets like HuffPo and Parents.com. Bloggers like to make lists -- everyone knows that. And the type of list that adoptive parents like to make is the "What Not to Say to Adoptive Parents" list. And I'm here to argue that those lists are an issue.
Oh, I get why people make them -- everyone who is adopting/has adopted/wants to adopt has had people say "dumb things" or ask "dumb questions" and we're all pretty sick of it. Personally, if one more person asks why we aren't adopting from the Philippines (Papa Beast is Filipino), I might lose what's left of my sanity.
Actually, no, that's not true. Because I've gotten used to it, and I don't even have to think of what to say before, "The wait is long and we're not eligible anyway," comes rolling off my tongue.
And that's the thing really. No matter what you do in life, people are going to question it. Did you decide to be a stay at home wife and mother? Yup, people are going to make ignorant comments and ask silly questions. Decide not to complete your college degree? Prepare for the floodgates to open. Do you and your husband make the choice to attend the Latin Mass, which most people believe is a thing of the past? You better be ready for some Grade A flack.
All that, without even getting into what happens when you marry outside your country of origin and get to endure an interview designed to discover whether or not you have entered into a "green card marriage" or a "real marriage" and then, after the interview, having your own lawyer say, "I know you're planning to adopt, but you really should try to get pregnant -- it'll help with the immigration case."
None of that is fun, but sometimes being a grown up isn't fun.
And sometimes you have to deal with people who annoy you, get in your way, slow you down, etc. This isn't the exclusive domain of adoptive parents, sadly. We have all found ourselves behind the driver who decides to balance the checkbook at a red light and forgets to go when it turns green. We've all had some assumptions made about us that turn out to be false -- like people assuming that I speak Spanish because of my last name, which I got from my Filipino husband who doesn't speak Spanish either.
You can't change the whole world to think like you, read your mind, etc, etc. There will always be people who see our last name and expect us to be Spanish speakers. There will always be people who hear the word "Kazakhstan" and think "Borat." And there will always be people who ask you why you can't have "your own children."
The part we can control is how we react.
Personally, I have some people (my husband, my parents, my close friends) who I know will listen to me vent and then help me laugh it off. Because, in the end, that's all you can do.
And I know it's going to be controversial.
There's a "thing" in adoption blogging -- something that's even made it to internet news outlets like HuffPo and Parents.com. Bloggers like to make lists -- everyone knows that. And the type of list that adoptive parents like to make is the "What Not to Say to Adoptive Parents" list. And I'm here to argue that those lists are an issue.
Oh, I get why people make them -- everyone who is adopting/has adopted/wants to adopt has had people say "dumb things" or ask "dumb questions" and we're all pretty sick of it. Personally, if one more person asks why we aren't adopting from the Philippines (Papa Beast is Filipino), I might lose what's left of my sanity.
Actually, no, that's not true. Because I've gotten used to it, and I don't even have to think of what to say before, "The wait is long and we're not eligible anyway," comes rolling off my tongue.
And that's the thing really. No matter what you do in life, people are going to question it. Did you decide to be a stay at home wife and mother? Yup, people are going to make ignorant comments and ask silly questions. Decide not to complete your college degree? Prepare for the floodgates to open. Do you and your husband make the choice to attend the Latin Mass, which most people believe is a thing of the past? You better be ready for some Grade A flack.
All that, without even getting into what happens when you marry outside your country of origin and get to endure an interview designed to discover whether or not you have entered into a "green card marriage" or a "real marriage" and then, after the interview, having your own lawyer say, "I know you're planning to adopt, but you really should try to get pregnant -- it'll help with the immigration case."
None of that is fun, but sometimes being a grown up isn't fun.
And sometimes you have to deal with people who annoy you, get in your way, slow you down, etc. This isn't the exclusive domain of adoptive parents, sadly. We have all found ourselves behind the driver who decides to balance the checkbook at a red light and forgets to go when it turns green. We've all had some assumptions made about us that turn out to be false -- like people assuming that I speak Spanish because of my last name, which I got from my Filipino husband who doesn't speak Spanish either.
You can't change the whole world to think like you, read your mind, etc, etc. There will always be people who see our last name and expect us to be Spanish speakers. There will always be people who hear the word "Kazakhstan" and think "Borat." And there will always be people who ask you why you can't have "your own children."
The part we can control is how we react.
Personally, I have some people (my husband, my parents, my close friends) who I know will listen to me vent and then help me laugh it off. Because, in the end, that's all you can do.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Kazakhstan in Sochi
The thing I wait four years for is finally here -- the Winter Olympics. Oh, sure, I love the Summer Games, too, especially the gymnastics (Go Aliya Mustafina!), but figure skating is my first love. I used to compete locally when I lived in Northern California, and I've been a life long fan of the sport ever since I first saw Gordeeva and Grinkov in 1994.
This year, though, there is a little something extra exciting about the Olympics. Between it being in Russia -- a country and culture I have always loved -- and the excitement of the new Team Figure Skating event, there is plenty of reason for excitement. But there's something more, too. This year, we are rooting for Kazakhstan, wherever we can.
Denis Ten has a good shot at a medal in the Men's event. His silver medal performance at Worlds last year was a true joy to watch -- he even won the free skate portion. This season has been a bit more rocky for him -- but I have faith that he will peak at the right time.
Also from Kazakhstan (by birth, at least), though representing Russia, is the lovely and talented young ice dancer Elena Ilinykh. She and her partner Nikita Katsalapov were among the winners of the Team Figure Skating event. They will go down in history as being part of the first team to win it! While they sometimes struggle with consistency, they have oodles of talent, and at 19 and 22 they are both young by Ice Dance standards. They are considered a threat for the Bronze medal, but podium finish or no, they promise to be lovely to watch.
This year, though, there is a little something extra exciting about the Olympics. Between it being in Russia -- a country and culture I have always loved -- and the excitement of the new Team Figure Skating event, there is plenty of reason for excitement. But there's something more, too. This year, we are rooting for Kazakhstan, wherever we can.
Denis Ten has a good shot at a medal in the Men's event. His silver medal performance at Worlds last year was a true joy to watch -- he even won the free skate portion. This season has been a bit more rocky for him -- but I have faith that he will peak at the right time.
Also from Kazakhstan (by birth, at least), though representing Russia, is the lovely and talented young ice dancer Elena Ilinykh. She and her partner Nikita Katsalapov were among the winners of the Team Figure Skating event. They will go down in history as being part of the first team to win it! While they sometimes struggle with consistency, they have oodles of talent, and at 19 and 22 they are both young by Ice Dance standards. They are considered a threat for the Bronze medal, but podium finish or no, they promise to be lovely to watch.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
It's Russian Christmas...
It's been a long time since I posted -- National Novel Writing Month (aka November to normal people) and Christmas really took a lot of our time.
But here we are, and it's the day they celebrate Christmas in Russia, and, by extension, in Kazakhstan, at least for those Kazakhstanis who are Russian Orthodox. And, because the region we have been assigned to is a heavily ethnic Russian area, I have a hunch that our kids, whoever, wherever, they are, are celebrating Christmas today. At least, they will be celebrating to whatever degree the orphanage celebrates Christmas.
I saw this graphic today on the Creating a Family Facebook group, and since it isn't anyone's personal photo, I felt that I could take the liberty of sharing it here on the blog because it really sums up how I feel today -- and always, really.
But here we are, and it's the day they celebrate Christmas in Russia, and, by extension, in Kazakhstan, at least for those Kazakhstanis who are Russian Orthodox. And, because the region we have been assigned to is a heavily ethnic Russian area, I have a hunch that our kids, whoever, wherever, they are, are celebrating Christmas today. At least, they will be celebrating to whatever degree the orphanage celebrates Christmas.
I saw this graphic today on the Creating a Family Facebook group, and since it isn't anyone's personal photo, I felt that I could take the liberty of sharing it here on the blog because it really sums up how I feel today -- and always, really.
I've got to be honest: I wonder about our children every single day, to some degree. The wondering is just more so, today, because it's Christmas where they are. I was able to avoid worrying about them too much -- hoping they were having the Christmas celebration every child deserves -- on December 25 because I knew that, to them, it wasn't actually Christmas. They wouldn't know what they were missing. Even so, I thought of them, and I prayed -- and still do pray -- that they will be home safe by next December 25, that we will be able to celebrate Christmas as a family and that all will be right in our small corner of the world.
Which brings me to another graphic I found on the internet today -- it seems to be the day for that around these parts.
And for those kids -- whoever, wherever they are -- we have to keep going, keep fighting. Keep doing paperwork, keep waiting for Kazakhstan to start taking dossiers from American families.
And that's what we are now -- an American family, with two valid, current US passports to our names. I needed a name change, and it actually came back slower than my husband's request for a new/first time passport that was sent the same day. Something funny happened, though, when I got my old passport back -- a holy card from the war memorial (WWI) chapel at Bassano del Grappa fell out of my old passport. It had been there since my most recent trip to Italy in 2007. I'm going to put the card in my new passport -- a little piece of Italy, and of my great-grandfather, to take to Kazakhstan with us when we go to bring our children home. Whenever that is.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Annnnd everything I posted yesterday is false...
We just got a letter in the mail.
PapaBeast will be sworn in on Nov 20. So much for anything the government tells you...even the bad news is sometimes false, praise the Lord. :-p
If, and it's a big, huge, elephant sized if, the state department's current estimates for passport processing time are correct, and passports really are taking 4 weeks, PapaBeast could have a US Passport in hand by Christmas.
PapaBeast will be sworn in on Nov 20. So much for anything the government tells you...even the bad news is sometimes false, praise the Lord. :-p
If, and it's a big, huge, elephant sized if, the state department's current estimates for passport processing time are correct, and passports really are taking 4 weeks, PapaBeast could have a US Passport in hand by Christmas.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Citizenship Approved and a New Template
Papa Beast is approved for Naturalization to the United States!
However, he is not yet a US Citizen. Basically, the approval is similar to a marriage license and just like you need a ceremony to be married (at least here in California, your laws may vary :p), you need to take the Oath of Citizenship to become a citizen.
Unlike getting married, however, you don't get the government go ahead during the week and then have your ceremony on the weekend. Oh no, things aren't that easy in government land.
Instead, you wait.
It can take up to a month to get a notice in the mail with your date, time, and location to appear to take the oath. That doesn't stop me from stalking the mailbox several times a day, six days a week (when it isn't a Federal holiday). I tell myself that it's because I'm expecting a book from Amazon or the replacement for a damaged Blu-ray disc. Those things I tell myself are lies.
That isn't to say that I'm not incredibly thankful that things are moving ahead -- but it isn't easy to know that it will take months more to get my husband his passport, which is needed for our dossier.
So, while we wait, I do silly things like tinker with the blog template. I like this one, because I do like yellow and grey -- I might try to add a little blue, though to reflect the colors of the flag of Kazakhstan. Hmmm...back to tinkering.
However, he is not yet a US Citizen. Basically, the approval is similar to a marriage license and just like you need a ceremony to be married (at least here in California, your laws may vary :p), you need to take the Oath of Citizenship to become a citizen.
Unlike getting married, however, you don't get the government go ahead during the week and then have your ceremony on the weekend. Oh no, things aren't that easy in government land.
Instead, you wait.
It can take up to a month to get a notice in the mail with your date, time, and location to appear to take the oath. That doesn't stop me from stalking the mailbox several times a day, six days a week (when it isn't a Federal holiday). I tell myself that it's because I'm expecting a book from Amazon or the replacement for a damaged Blu-ray disc. Those things I tell myself are lies.
That isn't to say that I'm not incredibly thankful that things are moving ahead -- but it isn't easy to know that it will take months more to get my husband his passport, which is needed for our dossier.
So, while we wait, I do silly things like tinker with the blog template. I like this one, because I do like yellow and grey -- I might try to add a little blue, though to reflect the colors of the flag of Kazakhstan. Hmmm...back to tinkering.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Waiting for the Next Steps...
Today, the wait is killing me.
Tomorrow, National Novel Writing Month begins, and I will be volunteering as a Municipal Liaison (think local coordinator) for the sixth time in a row. The kick-off is tonight, and I'm making decorations and putting the finishing touches on my Halloween costume (and the hubby's costume, and the pup's costume).
And yet -- the wait is killing me.
I don't know why it's hitting me right now, today, when I have so much to do, when I know that I will be busy for the next month and then come up for air only to find that Christmas is just a few short weeks away.
Maybe it's because it's Halloween, which is such a kid-centered holiday. Maybe it's because I know that the air will be filled with kids and candy and scary making tonight.
Or maybe it's because we turned in a boatload of paperwork and now I find myself feeling like there is very little -- if anything -- that I can do that's productive on the adoption front. I know that our home study is being completed in a "slow on purpose" fashion because we are waiting for the government in Kazakhstan to give the US the final go ahead. I get that, at least in my mind. But part of me is in "do everything possible, right now" mode. I understand that our agency does not want our home study and its components to age if Kazakhstan delays in opening -- but I still want to "get-er-dun!"
But things are moving ahead. So far we have completed:
-Our 6 page autobiographies.
-The submission of vital documents like birth and marriage certificates.
-Some state and county paperwork.
-CPR class and the proof thereof.
-Fingerprinting and FBI clearance, along with other background check stuff
-Personal profile forms
-Other forms such as the application, family photo, etc.
-Two of the three required Hague classes.
-Guardianship paperwork (ie who gets the kids if something happens to us)
-The 3 required books -- two more need to be chosen from a list and book reports need to be written
And, best of all, Papa Beast has his interview and test for US Citizenship on Tuesday. If you're the praying type, please say a few for Papa Beast? It would mean a lot. We THINK everything should go smoothly, and he is doing very well when I quiz him on the civics questions. But this is the government, and Murphy's Law might be in effect.
So we carry on with life, and I try not to imagine/hope/expect our kids to be home next Halloween, as wonderful as it would be to be picking out or making little costumes and heading out door to door.
Tomorrow, National Novel Writing Month begins, and I will be volunteering as a Municipal Liaison (think local coordinator) for the sixth time in a row. The kick-off is tonight, and I'm making decorations and putting the finishing touches on my Halloween costume (and the hubby's costume, and the pup's costume).
And yet -- the wait is killing me.
I don't know why it's hitting me right now, today, when I have so much to do, when I know that I will be busy for the next month and then come up for air only to find that Christmas is just a few short weeks away.
Maybe it's because it's Halloween, which is such a kid-centered holiday. Maybe it's because I know that the air will be filled with kids and candy and scary making tonight.
Or maybe it's because we turned in a boatload of paperwork and now I find myself feeling like there is very little -- if anything -- that I can do that's productive on the adoption front. I know that our home study is being completed in a "slow on purpose" fashion because we are waiting for the government in Kazakhstan to give the US the final go ahead. I get that, at least in my mind. But part of me is in "do everything possible, right now" mode. I understand that our agency does not want our home study and its components to age if Kazakhstan delays in opening -- but I still want to "get-er-dun!"
But things are moving ahead. So far we have completed:
-Our 6 page autobiographies.
-The submission of vital documents like birth and marriage certificates.
-Some state and county paperwork.
-CPR class and the proof thereof.
-Fingerprinting and FBI clearance, along with other background check stuff
-Personal profile forms
-Other forms such as the application, family photo, etc.
-Two of the three required Hague classes.
-Guardianship paperwork (ie who gets the kids if something happens to us)
-The 3 required books -- two more need to be chosen from a list and book reports need to be written
And, best of all, Papa Beast has his interview and test for US Citizenship on Tuesday. If you're the praying type, please say a few for Papa Beast? It would mean a lot. We THINK everything should go smoothly, and he is doing very well when I quiz him on the civics questions. But this is the government, and Murphy's Law might be in effect.
So we carry on with life, and I try not to imagine/hope/expect our kids to be home next Halloween, as wonderful as it would be to be picking out or making little costumes and heading out door to door.
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